Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
