i just sent this text using only my big toe
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
