New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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