he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
