i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
