Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
