Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
