he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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