i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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