if i can run in heels then i can drive
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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