1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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