My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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