o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
