Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just found a bag of teeth...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
