Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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