maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
