we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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