I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
