That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
