shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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