I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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