you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I came so hard my ears popped.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
