so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
