sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
