she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
