I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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