I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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