I wannas sexs uuuuu
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
