god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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