Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
