Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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