I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
