I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
