oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize