Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
