Say something about gay babies.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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