I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
