Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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