Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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