Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
