When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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