just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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