I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
