Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
