i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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