you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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