my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
