I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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