if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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