Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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