man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
