you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
