Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
