Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
