I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
