i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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