Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Randomize
